Gratitude

Joy Comes in The Morning

enemy quote chapter 2

I am facing my fear writing about a time in my life by the prompting of the Holy Spirit.  I am opening the floodgate of my memories a painfully secret time in hopes to help someone suffering with the shame of depression and I guess to remove shame I must be still feeling to some degree. So bare with me my beloved sisters……

The year 1987. Profound sadness follows me, I can’t seem to shake a feeling of impending doom. For several days, tears roll down my cheek, onto my journal. Tissues are everywhere.

I barely can pen the words, “help me,’ more tears!! I usually write my prayers in my journal but the words, praise escape me. I put the pen down. What’s the use!

Crying I can not quit crying, I am unable to make sense of God’s word, the words in the Bible seem jumbled

Scheduled to start nursing school in September, my dream of becoming a nurse looks dismal. But I am falling, plummeting, spiraling down. I am under medical care for chronic pain, depression, I can barely get out of bed, simple things like brushing my teeth take forever, everything hurts. My boys are ten and thirteen, they don’t need me that much, I can’t even do the simple things like make the bed. I don’t know how I finished my last class in college before this break. Rambling thoughts keep coming, unhealthy thoughts, “the world would be better if…..” “I would not be missed……” “the pain is too much….” More tears. My feelings? I feel fat, I feel ugly, unhappy, unloved……….

Next thing I know it is decide and the check in process is a blur. Tears and tissue. My eyes red from crying, my nose stuffy, the pain doctor doesn’t feel I am safe at home.  I can barely answer the questions, Shaking, trembling, wrapped in a blanket rocking, so cold. Cared for by Dr Morgan since 1984, I am not doing well my fears, fears of failing, succeeding, living, hurting everywhere in my body, letting everyone down. I can’t hear God’s voice, I only hear those thoughts. Why can’t I sing, I can’t sing. Praise music has left me. I am hearing in my head my parent, “Diana, You only have a few weeks to pull your act together you are starting school.” “WHAT HAVE GONE AND DONE IT NOW.”

“Diana, This is your room. You will be here until you are feeling better.” I am inpatient a local hospital in San Diego, California for Severe Depression, Reactive Disorder Situational To Life Changes.

From the moment I read Hope Prevails: Insight From A Doctor’s Personal Journey Through Depression, I connected with Dr. Michelle Bengtson.  I did not want to put the book down. It is a page turner.

Dr. Bengtson says “If depression is not treated effectively it can lead to life consequences such as broken relationships, divorce, job loss and physical illness. She list much statistical information but this one peaked my interest 9 million women suffer with depression and it is the leading cause of disability in the United States. I wish I had this book as a resource when I was in the depth of my despair because I thought there was something wrong with me and my faith in God. But as Dr. Bengtson shares in her book, in Chapter 2, Christians do suffers from depression but many feel they must hide the pain they are suffering from depression. I know for myself the stigma from being in the hospital for depression is something I have not shared because of the fear of being judged. In Chapter 4,

“Satan uses 3 tactics: he seeks to kill our joy, steal our peace, destroy our identity.

 

But I want you to know that he does not win. Joy comes in the morning. Dr. Michelle had to borrow hope and I guess I did too. I went back to school in September believe me it was not easy. I adopted a motto and I use it to this day.

[Tweet “”Just keep putting one foot in front of the other””]

Legs of a young child standing on a branch of a big tree

 

My grandmother prayed for me daily and I began to journal before I left the hospital. I was able to stop crying. I could finally read God’s Word. Writing to God my thoughts and take captive those ugly thoughts and I give them to Him as He asks us to do in 2 Corinthians 10:5 was my lifeline.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Beloved, this is the first time I have ever shared this story, I am still somewhat apprehensive sharing these details. Do you have a secret you are secretly guarding thinking no one will understand? I am here for you.

No one ever knew except my family I was in the hospital and that I almost never started nursing school because I knew there was a stigma of being in a Psychiatric Hospital. Filled with fear that was all-consuming that some one would find out I was in the hospital, I have guarded this secret. However, in Isaiah 61:3 we get a joyous blessing and a crown of beauty and we have a promise in 2 Timothy 1:7.

To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Dr. Michelle Bengtson’s journey is one of hope, a hope that sustains, a hope that will prevail. She shares in Chapter 12,  “The key to overcoming depression is trusting God. We do our part and obey, then we trust God for the rest.”

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ARE YOU SUFFERING WITH DEPRESSION? Do you need hope? a hope that sustains, a hope that prevails? God is asking you to trust him. John 14:6 says, “Jesus is the way, the truth,and the life, NO ONE comes to the Father except through Jesus Christ.” Is Jesus your savior?  Beloved, I will lend you my hope and as always if you can not afford this book and would like one I am Diana Manley Rockwell on Facebook and my email is blessingsrockwell@gmail.com private message me or send me an email and I will get you one and if you do not have a Bible please let me know.

May I be honest, [Tweet “We cannot overcome depression without God”]

James 4: 4-8 Submit yourselves, therefore, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.   This is the recipe. But you have to know Jesus in the free pardon of sin. John 3:16

Beloved, in the opening of Hope Prevails is “A Letter to My Depressed Self”  when you get your book, and are reading this list incorporates the truth. I am a trained encourager from Freedom In Christ and Dr. Neil Anderson endorsed this book. He wrote Who We Are In Christ which I have a copy on by blog. Reading these statements were my lifeline and Dr. Michelle Bengtson’s is much more complete and freeing. Beloved, our enemy wants to keep us in the darkness but this book has the keys to emotional and spiritual well-being and you and I are God’s masterpiece.

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10

hopeprevails

 

 

 

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26 Comments

  • Reply
    Rachelle Craig
    August 16, 2016 at 4:12 pm

    Oh Diana! Thank you for sharing and being so transparent. Even though I read this in tears, it is beautiful! It shows how good God is, how healing He is, and that if you trust Him, and lean on His promises, He will guide us through anything! I was in denial about depression, but when I read this book, I realized that I too, have walked somewhat through those dark valleys. I had buried some horrible things from my past (like buried them so deep, I truly forgot about them) but they came out when reading this book. It has been so healing to let those buried memories escape from the dark places and deal with them. I thank God for this book, and what it has already done for me. I can only imagine the healing that is about to take place, because of Him, Hope Prevails.
    I love you my beautiful friend!!!!! <3

    • Reply
      Diana
      August 17, 2016 at 5:18 am

      Dear Rachelle, Thank you my sweet friend. You are such a great friend to have in my corner. Blessings. Diana

    • Reply
      Dr. Michelle Bengtson
      August 18, 2016 at 8:43 pm

      Rachelle,
      How faithful God is to exchange our ashes for His beauty. I’m humbled to know that “Hope Prevails” had a tiny bit to contribute to you becoming all He created you to be in the fullness of Him! Love you so!

      • Reply
        Diana
        August 19, 2016 at 9:20 pm

        Dear Michelle and Rachelle, I totally agree. Blessings Diana

  • Reply
    Mary Lee Morgan
    August 16, 2016 at 6:48 pm

    Love you my dear friend, and love your courage for being so open about what had to be one of your very darkest times. God brings us through these times, and then sometimes he brings us together with others who have also been through them, other women who have gotten their brave on and reached out to share with someone who needs that message today! Michelle Bengtson is certainly one of those women! I, too, love the messages in Hope Prevails, and only wish I could have had a book like this fifty years ago! Thank you for passing along this message for those young women who need it now!

    • Reply
      Diana
      August 17, 2016 at 5:21 am

      Dear Mary Lee, thank you for taking the time to read and then comment on my blog, I tried to not write but I was so prompted by the Holy Spirit that I had to follow through. It has already helped several people so I guess it was meant to be told. Blessings Diana

  • Reply
    Pam
    August 16, 2016 at 7:58 pm

    Sweet friend, you are amazing!

    I, too, wept reading your story, and caught myself nodding my head along in agreement as I have come to recognize the same lies (of the enemy) I bought into unknowingly (the stigma, for example).

    Thank you for sharing your message of hope, Diana! <3

    • Reply
      Diana
      August 17, 2016 at 5:22 am

      Dear Pam, our hearts are knit together by a love that only God can give. I love you my friend. Blessings Diana

  • Reply
    Crissy
    August 16, 2016 at 9:03 pm

    Diana, thank you for your transparent, honest, ans encouraging words in this blog post.
    I have struggled with depression for the majority of my life. Something I didn’t share with many people and even when I did, it wasn’t the whole truth. I am a stuffed od emotions and “words I should have said.” Many years ago, (my 8th grade year), I was told by someone I thought would care enough to help that I was crazy and an embarrassment because I was suicidal. It was devastating and it forced me into more seclusion and more stuffing of what I felt. I lost so much, missed out on so much, and have yet to get out of this depression.

    Once again, thank you for this blog post and allowing me to share in a comment. You are truly a blessing!

    • Reply
      Diana
      August 17, 2016 at 5:25 am

      Dear Crissy, Thanks for being in my life. From being in the launch of the book Hope Prevails: Insights From A Doctors Personal Journey Through Depression. Thanks for the courage to share here. You are loved. Blessings Diana

  • Reply
    Carol
    August 17, 2016 at 6:21 am

    Beautifully told, Diana! So many women need to know this, and understand things get better. Fantastic that you can share this ?

    • Reply
      Diana
      August 17, 2016 at 7:47 pm

      Dear Carol, Thank you, things did get better when I put one foot in front of the other. Blessings Diana

  • Reply
    Barbie
    August 17, 2016 at 10:03 am

    Oh friend, I so appreciate your transparency and vulnerability to share this part of your journey. I have had my bouts with depression, not wanting to continue on this earth, etc. I know this book will help many and I am so thankful for your partnering to get the word out. Depression is real and is treatable. There is hope!

    • Reply
      Diana
      August 17, 2016 at 7:51 pm

      Dear Barbie, Thank you for taking the time to give me reassurance because I needed this. Blessings Diana

  • Reply
    Shannan
    August 17, 2016 at 12:58 pm

    My dear Diana,
    Bless your precious heart for being able to get this out. I praise God for bringing you into my life as you are such a blessing to me. Thank you so much for posting. I have battled depression from a young child to this day and I know there are things I have closed off. A lot of stuff I don’t remember about my childhood. I am so anxious to read this book. Thank you again for being so raw and open with us. I love you.

    • Reply
      Diana
      August 17, 2016 at 7:59 pm

      Dear Shannan, Thanks for your friendship, When are we going to meet. Love you Diana

  • Reply
    Tasha
    August 17, 2016 at 6:06 pm

    Thank you for sharing your heart and trusting us with it today. I know that the Lord will use your story to help many others who are trapped by depression. Blessings to you! -Tasha (visiting from Coffee for your Heart)

    • Reply
      Diana
      August 17, 2016 at 8:05 pm

      Dear Tasha, Thank you for your kind words. I hope that many are helped by Hope Prevails. Blessings Diana

  • Reply
    Becka
    August 17, 2016 at 7:56 pm

    You are truly doing a wonderful thing. I’ve been in those depths too. Satan held my life in such torment. You could never know. But I still came out a victor in the end. God never leaves you in your darkest hours. He is there, waiting for you to call on him. When you do he will lead out out of the darkness, in whatever way is right for you. To listen to him you must learn to quiet your mind. That is not easy to do when the demons are constantly telling you how horrible your life is. How you have no control of your life. You must remember, they lie. Tell them to be quiet and to leave you. Take the hand of your Saviour and walk with him. They will leave you alone once you do.

    • Reply
      Diana
      August 18, 2016 at 8:19 pm

      Dear Becka, Thank you for your beautiful comment. I am glad you are out of your despair and I agree God never leaves us. Thank you for the good advice. I will take it to heart. Blessings Diana

  • Reply
    Dr. Michelle Bengtson
    August 18, 2016 at 8:48 pm

    Diana,
    As you can see from the comments, there are many more who are supportive and who will wrap you in there arms as they nod affirmingly “me too.” You are not alone my friend. Depression is unfortunately very common, but as you know from reading my book, there is hope, and “Hope Prevails” because of Him. I’m so proud of you for sharing your story and not letting the enemy keep that secret in the dark any longer. Now it will no longer hold that power over you! You are a beloved daughter of the Most High God and there is therefore NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!! #HopePrevails!

    • Reply
      Diana
      August 19, 2016 at 9:20 pm

      Dear Dr. Michelle, Thank You for visiting my blog and reading about this time in my life. I so enjoy your book and have already told you how much Chapter 8 means to me. Hope does PREVAIL. Thank you for your love and support. Blessings Diana

  • Reply
    Melissa
    August 21, 2016 at 7:07 am

    This book is in my currently reading pile and I can’t wait to get through it. I have lived in a cycle of depression most of my life and I am ready for morning!

    • Reply
      Diana
      August 21, 2016 at 6:57 pm

      Dear Melissa, I hope Hope Prevails helps you as much as it has helped me. Remember that God mercies are new every morning. Blessings Diana

  • Reply
    Sue Molitor
    August 24, 2016 at 3:28 pm

    Thank you for sharing Diana! I love your heart! I didn’t know you were trained in Freedom in Christ. I love Neil Anderson. : ) Love you!

    • Reply
      Diana
      August 25, 2016 at 8:36 pm

      Dear Sue, thank you for your kind words, I love Neil Anderson’s work also. Blessings Diana

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