I am facing my fear writing about a time in my life by the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I am opening the floodgate of my memories a painfully secret time in hopes to help someone suffering with the shame of depression and I guess to remove shame I must be still feeling to some degree. So bare with me my beloved sisters……
The year 1987. Profound sadness follows me, I can’t seem to shake a feeling of impending doom. For several days, tears roll down my cheek, onto my journal. Tissues are everywhere.
I barely can pen the words, “help me,’ more tears!! I usually write my prayers in my journal but the words, praise escape me. I put the pen down. What’s the use!
Crying I can not quit crying, I am unable to make sense of God’s word, the words in the Bible seem jumbled
Scheduled to start nursing school in September, my dream of becoming a nurse looks dismal. But I am falling, plummeting, spiraling down. I am under medical care for chronic pain, depression, I can barely get out of bed, simple things like brushing my teeth take forever, everything hurts. My boys are ten and thirteen, they don’t need me that much, I can’t even do the simple things like make the bed. I don’t know how I finished my last class in college before this break. Rambling thoughts keep coming, unhealthy thoughts, “the world would be better if…..” “I would not be missed……” “the pain is too much….” More tears. My feelings? I feel fat, I feel ugly, unhappy, unloved……….
Next thing I know it is decide and the check in process is a blur. Tears and tissue. My eyes red from crying, my nose stuffy, the pain doctor doesn’t feel I am safe at home. I can barely answer the questions, Shaking, trembling, wrapped in a blanket rocking, so cold. Cared for by Dr Morgan since 1984, I am not doing well my fears, fears of failing, succeeding, living, hurting everywhere in my body, letting everyone down. I can’t hear God’s voice, I only hear those thoughts. Why can’t I sing, I can’t sing. Praise music has left me. I am hearing in my head my parent, “Diana, You only have a few weeks to pull your act together you are starting school.” “WHAT HAVE GONE AND DONE IT NOW.”
“Diana, This is your room. You will be here until you are feeling better.” I am inpatient a local hospital in San Diego, California for Severe Depression, Reactive Disorder Situational To Life Changes.
From the moment I read Hope Prevails: Insight From A Doctor’s Personal Journey Through Depression, I connected with Dr. Michelle Bengtson. I did not want to put the book down. It is a page turner.
Dr. Bengtson says “If depression is not treated effectively it can lead to life consequences such as broken relationships, divorce, job loss and physical illness. She list much statistical information but this one peaked my interest 9 million women suffer with depression and it is the leading cause of disability in the United States. I wish I had this book as a resource when I was in the depth of my despair because I thought there was something wrong with me and my faith in God. But as Dr. Bengtson shares in her book, in Chapter 2, Christians do suffers from depression but many feel they must hide the pain they are suffering from depression. I know for myself the stigma from being in the hospital for depression is something I have not shared because of the fear of being judged. In Chapter 4,
“Satan uses 3 tactics: he seeks to kill our joy, steal our peace, destroy our identity.
But I want you to know that he does not win. Joy comes in the morning. Dr. Michelle had to borrow hope and I guess I did too. I went back to school in September believe me it was not easy. I adopted a motto and I use it to this day.
My grandmother prayed for me daily and I began to journal before I left the hospital. I was able to stop crying. I could finally read God’s Word. Writing to God my thoughts and take captive those ugly thoughts and I give them to Him as He asks us to do in 2 Corinthians 10:5 was my lifeline.
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
Beloved, this is the first time I have ever shared this story, I am still somewhat apprehensive sharing these details. Do you have a secret you are secretly guarding thinking no one will understand? I am here for you.
No one ever knew except my family I was in the hospital and that I almost never started nursing school because I knew there was a stigma of being in a Psychiatric Hospital. Filled with fear that was all-consuming that some one would find out I was in the hospital, I have guarded this secret. However, in Isaiah 61:3 we get a joyous blessing and a crown of beauty and we have a promise in 2 Timothy 1:7.
To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
Dr. Michelle Bengtson’s journey is one of hope, a hope that sustains, a hope that will prevail. She shares in Chapter 12, “The key to overcoming depression is trusting God. We do our part and obey, then we trust God for the rest.”
ARE YOU SUFFERING WITH DEPRESSION? Do you need hope? a hope that sustains, a hope that prevails? God is asking you to trust him. John 14:6 says, “Jesus is the way, the truth,and the life, NO ONE comes to the Father except through Jesus Christ.” Is Jesus your savior? Beloved, I will lend you my hope and as always if you can not afford this book and would like one I am Diana Manley Rockwell on Facebook and my email is firstname.lastname@example.org private message me or send me an email and I will get you one and if you do not have a Bible please let me know.
May I be honest,
James 4: 4-8 Submit yourselves, therefore, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. This is the recipe. But you have to know Jesus in the free pardon of sin. John 3:16
Beloved, in the opening of Hope Prevails is “A Letter to My Depressed Self” when you get your book, and are reading this list incorporates the truth. I am a trained encourager from Freedom In Christ and Dr. Neil Anderson endorsed this book. He wrote Who We Are In Christ which I have a copy on by blog. Reading these statements were my lifeline and Dr. Michelle Bengtson’s is much more complete and freeing. Beloved, our enemy wants to keep us in the darkness but this book has the keys to emotional and spiritual well-being and you and I are God’s masterpiece.
For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10